Shanti (ana_morphic) wrote in telepylus,
Shanti
ana_morphic
telepylus

darkness

it has become very apparant (not that i didn't already know, rather that it is becoming increasingly... something) that there is quite the darkness in me. Yet i can't seem to access it. Is it all around me? is it not actually there? both? neither?
inaccessable
I have been informed about a pre-rainbow gathering gathering on salt spring island which is only two hours away from here... getting there wouldnt' be difficult, i've been told... unless you're me. yes, i understand this is a choice. I could excercise my thumb muscles and my hate for being cold (and quite possibly wet) and force all this fear out of me and possibly go hungry and possibly have an incredibly amazing adventure.
The gathering is a Healing Gathering, and a way to celebrate the summer solstice (the 21st for those of you who dont' know). It only goes from june21-23 (the gathering) but my plane leaves on june27.
I am torn.
this could take the dark out of me.
nothing can take the dark out of me.
there is no dark in me.
so then, why oh why am i shrouded in this cloak? Why am i only allowed moments of clarity? I should give myself credit, we should all give ourselves more credit. For i am in the waking world, and i am in the dreaming world... though which and when? and for how much?
brainfog.
is it me resisisting change? i'm not entirely clear as to which way the change winds want to blow.
sit back and relax
relax relax relax
everything will be better tomorrow as it was yesterday.

love to all of you.
this didn't quite end up where i thought it would, but where it DID end up is.


don't get me wrong, it seems my ability to experience extreme negative emotions has... drifted elsewhere. I am generally happy... at least a little bit. i like myself. at least a little bit (it changes from day to day as all things must) and i am constantly surprised at my ability to ... be a person. not be angry. not hate myself. My excuses are running out and soon enough i will have no reason but to simply up and go. go where? maybe "to go" means emotionally. maybe it means physically. maybe it means stay put, i'm not sure... but i am so much further than i've been. "at least i'm moving" someone said to me last night at a drumming circle - where i drummed until i lost myself and found i'm quite excellent at it!

Namasté
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